Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lizardbeef1's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
9:44 am	perhaps the last post well, my livejournal days have come and gone. this site was produced initially to help me work though a break up. needless to say, i dont see that happening in my life again. thank goodness. i doubt anyone still checks this site and none of my friends really update their blogs anymore. the time has come to say goodbye to live journal. udate: married- happily son- Elijah Nathanial          Born may 15, 2009 Life: ok Family: dad still with us               kristen, married nothing else worth noting. i will probably delete this site in the next few months. thanks for the good times all! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 15th, 2009
6:25 am	blegh first off, we are all ok and safe after the tornadoes in kirksville. thanks for those of you who called and wrote. as far as the pregnancy: so here is the scoop. i was supposed to be induced thursday. we went in at 8 and i was hooked to the IV by 930. after 8 hours or more on pitocin, i was having regular, strong contractions. when they checked me, i was no further dilated or effaced than i was when i walked in. due to being only 3 cm, i chose not to have them break my water because if i didnt progress, i would have had to have a c-section. we are home now, waiting for mother nature. i am disappointed beyond words. the baby is fine and still active. i dont want to talk about it all right now so please wait a few days to call. i will update with more information if it matters. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 10th, 2009
12:40 pm	disappointment well, here i am, not a mother on this mother's day - at least not yet. yesterday, jon and i were ambitious and headed out to the farmer's market. we woke early, ate and were wandering the square by 1020. then it happened!!! i started getting contractions. regular contractions at steady and rhythmic intervals!! we kept walking a bit and then headed home. i started timing them like a good little kid and after and hour, i called my doctor. they were close together and regular but not too strong. he advised us to wait an hour and if they continued to be regular or got stronger, go to the hospital and "get checked out." so... 1245 we are sitting in OB. the monitors on my tummy showed beautifully paced, regular contractions lasting about 80 seconds each and 3-4 minutes apart. she checked my dilation and i was still a 3. we waited an hour and checked again. still a 3. since i wanted to labor at home as much as i could, we headed home, expecting things to continue as a typical labor would. the parents were called and i layed down to rest after a short visit and a snack. i slept from 445 to 6 and then...... then......NOTHING!  the contractions stopped and i felt exactly like i have for the last 4 weeks. baby was kicking in its normal patterns and i was just as rested as i always am. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! i have walked the dog and walked around wal-mart and piddled around the house and nothing!! i am so disappointed and frustrated and generally sad. i really am excited about having this baby and i thought we finally were there. to be here now, in our little empty house with just jon and i is tough. my parents were really good sports about the whole thing, driving all the way here and pleasantly laughing as they drove back home this afternoon. i feel like the stupid stereotypical pregnant lady, running to the hospital for "false alarms." i shouldnt feel too bad because the nurse who checked me told me they were holding the room till midnight for us because she expected us back later. she kept giving me all indications that this was "real" labor and i should have had a baby by now. so much for that. :(  i have since looked up all sorts of horror stories on line about start and stop labor and how it can last days and even weeks. boooooo! i suppose my only real assurance is that my doctor doesnt let women go much over 41 weeks so i have about a max of 13 more possible days. they are going to be long... especially if this happens again. i am here spinning my wheels until then. i will be headed to work tomorrow for a half day. no better way to spend my time than that i suppose. say a prayer, pop a water balloon in my honor, do a pregnancy dance, whatever you can do to send good vibes my way. i would appreciate it. happy mothers day to you and yours! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
4:30 pm	good news i really cannot believe that it has been 16 weeks since i have updated on here. i spend a lot of time and energy on facebook now and i fear i have neglected my LJ. most anyone who checks this is on facebook with the exception of a couple of folks so i suppose i should put some info on here regarding the current status of the lawinger/carpenters. Pregnancy: i am currently dilated to 3cm and am effaced to 70%. "any time" is the doctor's favorite words right now. those words are fueling an ever growing sense of impatience within me. i feel rather well to be 9 months pregnant, but the fatigue and aches are ever growing, right along with my belly. i am full fledged nesting mode, cleaning and sweeping and crafting all the time. i have read more in the last 2 months than i think i did in my entire college career. we didnt find out the gender of the baby so we will be excited to find out with the rest of the world when he/she decides to emerge. the doctor predicts it will be a tall baby and not too thin. other than that, just a waiting game. Dad: it is kind of appropriate that my last update was about dad. he just went to the doctor today and.... another miracle! they took another CT and it once again showed no changes. dad had a cold for about 2 weeks and was getting new abdominal pains. we feared that the two were unrelated and perhaps some bad news was on the horizon. according to the CT and the labs and the doctor, however, things all look very good and our apprehensions were unnecessary.  dad has put on some weight and is gradually trying to increase his overall activity level. unfortunately, he has never been one to do things half heartedly so he is struggling with bouts of over doing it and then crashing. he is really looking forward to the spring and summer weather to allow him to get out of the house more and to take mom on more RV trips. he is really surprisingly excited about the arrival of our baby and has been far more patient and involved than i expected. i am beyond thrilled that he is going to be around to be in my child's life. Kristen: well, she is now Kristen Diane Benedict. kristen and jeff had a ceremony with the pastor and are going to have a full on wedding in white in late june. she is doing a great job of putting the wedding together and i think it is going to be beautiful. i get to be the card basket attendant since i will have a one month old in tow. i am happy that she is happy. Life: i am doing really well and my husband is doing well and together we are superb. jon just finished his finals for his master's in education and he is diligently hunting for a full year internship/student teaching position. these are a hassle and i wish i could be more of a support for him. the process is time consuming, stressful and full of more hoops than a trained dog show.  he is sticking with it  and if he gets what we would like, we will be looking for a move over the summer. if not, k-ville it is for another year. work is going well for me, although i am looking more and more forward to maternity leave and have a harder time going in each and every day. packing around 35 extra pounds probably has some thing to do with that. i will be returning to work, provided we are in kirksville, at 24 hours per week. if we move, i will more than likely take a little longer and do PRN work or negotiate with a contract company.  i am still as anti-social as ever and struggle to keep in contact with people. facebook has helped some in that regard, but i am still horrible about phone calls. i feel guilt about it but it never seems to result in lasting behavior change. i guess i think of people enough that i feel as though i have called them and then months pass before i do. *sigh* i think that is all that i have to report. i wish i were more exciting, but alas, i am not. if you still check this page, thanks for thinking of me. wishing all well! (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
7:31 pm	looking forward i said i wasnt going to do the whole new year's post so i am not. this may include some review and some projection, but will be better than just a new year's summary/list. life has been pretty good for us lately. i have no complaints. i am starting the 22nd week of my prenancy and things are moving along wonderfully. i feel the baby move all the time and it is thrilling to know that he or she will be here in only 4 mere months. jon and i attended our birthing class yesterday and i think it really helped to make things sink in. reality is hitting.  we have been blessed to have had a ton of baby things given to us from friends and family and so the collection is starting to take over our small house. i am slowly cleaning things and packing away the items that we won't be able to use for a while. who knew something so small could take up so much room? we got some absolutely breath taking news this week. dad went to his doctor and had a full work up with labs and CAT scans and all. the report showed ABSOLUTELY NO CHANGES FROM IMMEDIATELY AFTER HIS SURGERY! all of his scans looked normal, all labs indicated no tumor factors and all of his organ systems were in the perfect/normal lab ranges. they are working on his fatigue levels and pain (which the doctor suspects are up because his is just now slowing down enough to let his body start to do the deep healing it needs). he is slowly gaining some of his weight back and has been traveling a bit to enjoy himself. this is truly a prayer answered because we all did not expect such good news. i am so excited at the prospect of my baby getting to know his/her grandpa carpenter. i am in no way sad to see 2008 go. the few good things that have come out of it will continue into 2009 and so i will credit that year. too many sad things have happened in 2008. in other fun news, we got famiy photos taken and they are ordered. i cannot wait to get them. we managed to get mom, dad, kristen, jeff, kaiden, jon and myself all together at one time in matching clothing and got some awesome shots. this will be the only documentation jon and i will have of our marriage before baby pictures start showing up! i have only two goals that i am proclaiming for 2009. the rest, i will work on as the need arrises. those two things are to: read the entire bible this year and be more positive.  so far, not too bad on either. i am missing my friends greatly lately. i hope that you all still consider me your friend, despite the long absence. wishing my loved ones well until next time. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 12th, 2008
7:14 am	i hate sick days more than i hate being sick (throwing up and digestive fits) i hate having to go home sick and call in. i honestly think i feel worse today because i know my co-workers are having to cover for me. add that guilt to already feeling really crummy, that makes for a hard day. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
4:13 pm	a happy announcement! well, the time has come for us to share the news! I AM PREGNANT! for those of you who may not have known, jon and i are making the announcement. we wanted to wait until i was through my first trimester to share the news. jon and i are absolutely thrilled to pieces! i am due on may 16th and we have decided not to find out what the gender is. i had a really rough first trimester, but now, in week 16, things are leveling out and i am feeling more like myself again. drop me a line if you want more details/info. wishing all well! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 16th, 2008
8:42 pm	again, i am late in the whole update arena, but better late than never. life is going pretty well, despite some road bumps. they just slow you up a bit and give you an excuse to take in the scenery. i have a cold but am getting over it. tis the season i suppose. jon is doing well and settling back into family life after Obama made it into the top seat.  my dad bought an RV and just got back from Louisiana and Arkansas. he was visiting a friend he hadnt seen in about 25 years. Mom is working on the end of harvest and then as soon as she can get away, i am sure dad and she will take off on their own little trip. Kaiden just turned 3 and my great uncle is just about to turn 80. we partied the day away on saturday. i really want to be back home and closer to my family and every time that i go home to visit it drives that point home more. we are in limbo right now as we have to wait to find out how jon's internships turn out before we know if we can easily move. darn the whole need for income and insurance.  :O)  i am occupying my time with planning for the holidays, including trips north and perhaps our own little RV trip. that pretty much fills all the time between sleeps and work. sum total... life is great!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
3:52 pm	I Voted and it feels Great! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
7:07 pm	not yet lost contrary to what some may believe, i am not lost. i cannot believe i have not posted here in a month. life has been pretty good but i have not been feeling well lately and so most of my activities have centered around sleep, tv and more sleep. sorry to anyone who i have missed in talking to this last month. updates... dad had his auction and it went over in a way that has left him satisified. we are dealing with family drama due to the selfish evil of an uncle. kristen and kaiden are doing well. mom is going in to her  busy season at work and so she will be out of reach for a bit. i should be heading into higher work census soon but right now things are slow. jon is up to his earlobes in aligators due to his political involvements and the recent surge in missourians voting for obama. it acutally has worked out since i have been less than stellar so we wouldnt be chilling together anyway. there is some drama at work but i am eager to see how things turn out. fill me in on how you are. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 10th, 2008
7:42 pm	again, i am proud. i just ran for over an hour and forty-five minutes and ran over 6 miles. given my last post, it doesnt sound all that impressive, and honestly i didnt think we had run that far, but evidentially we did. anyway... i am almost halfway to the half marathon that is my goal in october.  in other news... i got nothing.  i have been feeling like a total and utter recluse lately... partly because i am one. i find myself creeping deeper and deeper into isolation. i know it isnt healthy and i love my friends eternally. i really struggle to reach out to them. it is really a problem.  jon hates his MAE program. he is going to finish it because his eye is on the prize, but my heart aches for him. i always hoped no one would have to experience the same things i did at rockhurst and he is on path to have a very similar experience here at truman. that saddens me even more. send up a prayer for him and for me.  no news on dad really. he is working way too hard getting all his stuff ready for auction. i am too far away to help and he is so much in ill sorts that he is difficult to work with anyway. i hate emotional tug o wars.  that is all. call me some time, cause we all know i am not going to no matter how many times i say i will and honestly mean it. blegh. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
10:22 am	proud i am very proud of us. jon and i just rand 5.9 miles non stop. that puts us well on our way to be able to finish the half marathon we hope to complete in october.  in other news, there was so much flooding from a 10+ inch rain on friday that saturday we went to go to cameron and every... and i mean every!... east west running highway from iowa to columbia mo was closed due to flooding. not thinking anything about that chance, we got to macon and saw the signs and mom hopped on the computer and thus... our trip was postponed. it will be ok, but i miss my family and was really looking forward to seeing them this weekend. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 18th, 2008
6:26 pm	random so i got kissed by an 83 year old yesterday and i liked it! this sweet little old patient kissed me on the cheek after i treated him so well at work.  in less positive news, dad is not getting any better. we are still struggling with his nutrition... and he is a grump. i am struggling because i feel like i have lost my father... ever since he left the hospital, he as been further and further from himself.  mom has more grace than i do and could ever possess.  when i got home today from work there was a cake waiting for me that said "happy 2nd" in honor of our anniversary and my sweet husband was making his home made porte wine sauce for dinner. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 5th, 2008
10:46 am	bleg so, just to preface this post, one might need to know that i had to work the holiday, and saturday and today i got puked on at work... so i may be less sunny than i might have other wise been. things have been ok. life on the whole is ok. no problems, no real thrills.  jon on the other hand should be elated. he presented his thesis and it was recieved with rave reviews and stern encouragement to get it published. i am super proud of him, one master's down, one to go! i am bored and moody and bleg. nothing is exciting me and nothing is effecting me much.  dad is doing ok.. kinda. he cannot get enough calories in him and is losing weight at ALARMING rates, but his pain is all but gone and he is attempting to manage things more. his best friend just died though, and that sucks!  chemo is the next step and will be starting in the next month or so... provided things keep going as they are.   work is work. marriage is good. i love my husband and i am incredibly blessed.  that is all. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
4:42 pm	a good day you know how some days are just better than others? well, i have had one today so far. thanks to the kind assistance of my wonderful husband, i have sorted some fabric that i have had for 4 years and we: donated 5 boxes of fabric and 5 bags of clothing to the local mission, now have a clean garage, have organized tools and sorted through all other misc things and know what we have, and now have an evening to relax and enjy one another's company. it is just a nice thing when things are clean and organized. it is good for my chi, or zen or aura or whatever. :)  (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
6:36 pm	so my friend was complaining that people whose blogs he reads dont post any more. well, i have posted but not about fun things. he requested that we post the answers to these questions. well dear, here ya go! - What is the worst opening act you have ever seen at a concert?     when Jon and i went to see a dresden doll's concert in kansas city, there was a sole little lady that was reading a strange array of monologues and poetry. she was utterly unimpressive outside of her homemade clothing and my specuations as to how long it had been since she had brushed her hair. she was saved however, when brian (the drummer) came out in fishnets and a red lacy piece of lingerie and played his guitar. she then no longer held my attention. - What are you doing for Memorial Day?     saturday: farmer's market, cleaning out the garage and random kirksville stuff. sunday, church and drive to cameron. monday, BBQ at the folk's and spend some time with the fam. - What is your favorite cheap/free summer activity?     recently, jon and i have come to enjoy the summer concerts on the square here in kirksville. we also like to go play tennis when we are fit enough and warm enough to play. - What (if anything) are you doing to combat high prices at the pump?     jon is walking to work. i think i will start doing so as well (sometimes) and we drive his car on trips when we can. Bonus question: - Agree or Disagree: Cardinals' backup catcher Jason LaRue would look quite natural behind the wheel of a Trans-Am. Discuss.     sure, i guess. since i dont know him from anyone else, i am judging from his picture on the link and i think it could fit. that is all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 18th, 2008
6:30 pm	home dad got to come home on friday. the doctors released him late and he got home around 9pm. he had company saturday and over did it a bit. again today as well, only not as badly. he is beyond happy to be at home. he is also a bit down/blue (rightfully so) and is overwhelmed with all that he feels he has to take care of in such a limited time (i.e. sell the cows, have an auction, finish all the details on the house, buy mom a new vehicle, oh... and possibly chemo and radiation). we are encouraging him to take it easy and try to disregard the time lines for now. we are also trying to spend as much time with him without wearing him out. it is a difficult balance to find. i am still doing ok. we will all be ok. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 11th, 2008
8:05 pm	the latest... it seems never ending since dad's diagnosis on friday of last week. (9 days ago) it seems as though everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. that is not entirely true, but he has had more than his fair share of setbacks.  first off, after the surgery, his epidural got pulled out and he was without pain medication for nearly 6 hours and the stupid recovery nurse didnt seem to believe him. this caused him to have some major panic attacks and they overmedicated him. the overmedication lasted well into the following week. sunday he got back into the organ unit where he feels at home and settled in. then around monday or tuesday, they found an infection in his incision. they took out 5 staples and now we pack this opening into his abdomen with gauze and let it heal on its own. the drains from the internal stuff also show redness.  wait.  pain starts to get better. they sample substances from dad's drains. this shows that dad's small intestine is not sealing to the pancreas like it should and acids are spilling into his abdomen. the treatment... wait it out. this is separate from the infection.  they then start weaning dad off of the pain medication. they switch him to some new stuff. he has an adverse reaction. he stops taking it, but only after another panic attack. they give him adivan. he reacts oppositely to they norm and has 8 hours of non stop anxiety, hyperactivity, panic, and more things that i dont want to get into. he calms. he is still not acting right, despite having had NO medications since midnight on friday night. sunday they take blood tests. he has another infection somewhere in his body, not related to the incision and they now have to find it. they suspect the PICC line in his arm.  he also had to struggle for a week of having a tube down each nostril which ran down his throat which blocked his ease in breathing and constantly stimulate his gag reflex.  on a positive note, he has started his tube feedings, the gastic vacuum is gone and prior to this new infection discovery, they were talking about discharging him home sometime this week. who knows on that as of now. the first oncology appointment is on friday. i doubt if i will get to go, but i want to, and will be looking into it further.  as for dad, he is processing things and doing so with amazing grace. he is of course mourning and emotional. he is also the strong, amazing man of character that he has always been and always will be. i think it did his heart good to have mom, kristen, myself and kaiden there today. mom is also amazing and i admire her immensely. i dont know how she does it. i love them both.  as for me, i am ok. i have this weird balance between trying to stay hyper busy and fighting the urge to just sleep until next year. my daily life is still happy. it is almost like i dont even think about the bad ending. instead i call 4 times a day, i find out the updates, i help mom and dad come up with quesitons for the doctors and i cannot seem to look much beyond his immediate discharge. i keep thinking of things optimistically and have seemingly disregarded the doctor's timelines. i dont think i am capable of thinking about them currently.  thanks for the kind support of all of my friends and for respecting my unique ways of dealing with this all. i know i am going to need to talk about it. and i am starting to now... just by writing this post. progess with me forward as you always do. i adore and treasure the loving and amazing friends with whom i am blessed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 4th, 2008
6:45 pm	so... the news is not good. dad has adenocarcinoma of the pancreas. that means cancer of the pancreas. this cancer does not respond well to chemo or radiation. both treatments buy time but are not cures. the surgery was successful in that he should be pain free after recovery and it eliminated most of if not all of the central tumor. it had already spread cells to his lymph nodes. they gave him 18 to 30 months (typical) if he chooses to do chemo and radiation. his main focus now is recovering from the surgery so he can get home. he is expected to remain in the hospital for at least another week and a half. i am numb and would rather not talk about it for now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 27th, 2008
8:04 pm	one change. dad's surgery was moved to wednesday and so we are leaving for omaha on tuesday night. otherwise, not change or news. (Comment on this)