marriage, communication, church and life.

This morning, I am thinking about marriage. Why? Cause everyone I know seems to be getting married or is helping someone plan their wedding or something. I got another invitation yesterday in the mail. I will prolly attend this one. I am in a wedding the 13th of this month and the bachelorette party is tomorrow night. I think I am going sex toy shopping later today. Wahoo. I am drifting… let me get back. I got to thinking about how many people have stated that they have at one point wanted to marry me. The count is up to 5. Of those 5, I think 4 really really would have. I am hoping that one will. I dunno… that seems like a high number. What if I would have gone ahead and said yes (and followed through) to number one? Two? Three?... you see where this is going. I hear about other relationships and how much girls cry and how they fight and what upsets them and how they are just constantly creating or dealing with drama. I have been there. Number two liked to create drama and I picked up a bit of his bad habit. With number four, I cried more than I thought I could ever cry. I dunno. I wish everyone happiness. I suppose we are all adults and are capable of making the decision as to what happiness is to us. I wonder about some people’s decisions though. I am also going out with two of my married friend and their husbands tonight. I know, I am going to be the 5th wheel. It is ok. So, aside from hearing my single and engaged friends’ drama, I also hear about the turmoil of being a newlywed and going to school and trying to balance everything. I know life is a struggle. I guess I just want someone to struggle through things with as a partner and would ideally like them to be one of the smallest contributors of struggles in/to my life.
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I have had a lot of people influence my attitude on communication. I have always been a talker (those of you who know me are rolling your eyes). I know I am. I enjoy it. A lot of the time, what I end up saying is pretty useless though. It is just babble and observations about my life and blah blah blah. It is nearly always honest. I have never liked lying and I really don’t like liars. My parents instilled this in me. For the most part, they made it though my teenage years and now my early twenties with very few lies coming their way. They gave me a great foundation from which to proceed. Many of my friends were/are always skirting right along the edge of honesty. It always bothered/s me. I always desired and still do desire to be honest. I get bogged down in not hurting people’s feelings and that makes it hard sometimes, but as I am getting older, I am seeing more and more ways and just how important kind directness is. I think the person who has had the most influence as of late is J. I know he gets sick of hearing me reaffirm to him how I feel and that I want him to be open and honest with me. He treasures honesty and really holds himself to a higher code on the issue than most. He is and has almost always been very direct and honest with me, even when we were just friends. No lies of omission or anything. He promotes my directness. He expects it. He wants to know how I feel and challenges me. This is making my communication even stronger with my friends and family. It also gives me a level of peace/confidence with him that I have not experienced with anyone else. I just don’t worry that some monster is going to come sneaking up on me, full guns, having been brewing for months without my knowing. It is a good feeling.
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I have been wanting to go to church lately. I haven’t been in a really long time. It doesn’t look like I am going to go for a while. I pray. I think about God. I still try to live like a mirror of his love, reflecting him into and onto what I do. I am not always successful. I try though. I just haven’t been feeling connected lately. That prolly translates to conviction. I am not doing all that I know I should be. I am lazy and I know it. I am not going to make excuses. I guess I just needed to make the statement regarding my feelings.
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Other thoughts floating about: procrastination, lack of self discipline, being a poor friend, fluctuations in self confidence, money, upcoming travels :), dancing around my house in my underware, life in general. I feel better having talked this morning. I am hoping for a good day.